tettrabyte

One thing I know is that i need to get a new cat, I have had one for almost 10 years and I miss that sort of companionship. And I don't mean that i'm lonely, but i've always been a cat person. There is a baby picture of me riding on the back of my dad's Siamese. So I definitely have always had good bonds with cats.

I feel like I'm ready for a good serious relationship, like something that lasts the distance. I wouldn't mind being in such a relationship, however I don't if the other person can take me. I'm certainly not the easiest person to get along with. My therapist has had me keep a log on my mood, and i'm starting to see how I cycle, it's kind of creepy. Hopefully, some changes in my medication will help stabilize these moods.

I don't know if i've talked about this lately, but i've been pleasantly surprised about how mellow I am compared to how I used to be. Especially in comparison to a friend who is 3 years younger than me. I'm not sure if that is a personality difference or maturity difference. I don't know but it's like more of a zen thing. I see things happening that may not be going the way I think they are going, but I don't react anymore. Often times things are fine, even if they aren't done my way, so I see no point to intervene.

Hope all is well with everyone, LJ has been a little quiet lately.

I get fits of nostalgia, every few weeks. I miss the old days, I found pictures of a night of DDR at my house. Those days were so simple, everything seem so well planned and positive. The thing I find so funny is how your perspective in life can change so dramatically over the course of a few years. I can see how arrogant I used to be and self-righteous. Especially hanging out with someone a few years younger than me, I can see how I used to be like that, but somehow have moved past it. I don't know if it was the experiences I've had in the last few years or if I have just matured, but I feel like I'm more at peace with the world. Definitely less eager and impatient. I dunno.

So I recently had a therapists appointment and I learn a lot of good information. I really like this therapist, she is really what I need right now. The thing I'm realized the most between her information and my own personal realizations is, that I cycle. I don't cycle manic and depressed. I cycle hypomanic and depressed. What this means is that I don't get into a state where I have to go to the hospital when I'm up. However, hypomania can cause a false sense of wellness, at least for me. While I'm in control of my faculties, I'm very likely to crash. As result I go up and down over the course of 4 to 6 months. What makes things worse is that certain triggers, like stress, can cause me to cycle faster and never up.

What concerns me most about this information, is my history. I can look back and chronicle events of the past and I can clearly see what moods I was in when certain things happened in my life. It's very creepy to know that, the successes and failures in your life might be closely tied to the amount of Serotonin in my brain.

I dunno, anymore. All I can do is move forward with my life, my treatment. I know things are better now, I just hope they stay better.

Sean

I saw the new Star Trek and I have to say it is a fucking awesome movie. I was apprehensive at first, but then I just allowed it to exist on it's own, without looking for all of the old cannon to pervade. This film is very funny, sentimental, and action packed. It's full of twists that Gene Roddenberry would never have dreamed and it made this relaunch better. I love how utilitarian the ship seemed, resembling a submarine or air craft carrier. Anyways, this would be a great film if you never were big into Star Trek.

yesterday I went to a strip club for the first time and I'm not going to say didn't have a good time, but I kinda didn't have a good time. Like there was something odd about the whole experience, the fakeness really bothered me and the manipulation. The strippers are all about getting as much money out of you as possible. The worse ones you could tell don't care about you and the best ones made you feel like they were interested, but in the back of my head I knew they were just doing their job.

So as I said on Facebook, I has Jobz. I'm going to be working for ACS, doing iPhone technical service. That's going to be cool, I saw the call center already, it's all iMacs and new.

Every now and then I come to great realizations about myself. I guess you would say it's an epiphany, however I don't think the lessons I learn improve my life. I've known that I've been bipolar for something like 3 years, but I don't always realize the effects it has on my day to day life. There are days when I'm very productive and hopeful. Other days are very hard. Time goes by slowly, it becomes very difficult to complete even menial tasks.

This happens very gradually happens, I never know what is going on until I'm past the threshold. I notice the warning signs or positive effects, but it's hard to stay in one place long. Even with the various medications, i've been off and on, things are rarely constant.

It is my hope that more information, and a better treatment plan, I can minimize these swings or even eliminate them.

So I just realized something about Arlen Specter; He is one of the last Senators with unique dialects. He is joined by Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Ted Kennedy and maybe Orin Hatch. I remember like 10 years ago when you had Trent Lott, Fritz Hollings, and others. Now the Sentate and probably the House all have midwesternish sounding voices. It's kinda sad, I'm wondering when they will stop celebrating Seersucker suit day in the Senate. There is nothing than wearing an antiquated and ugly, blue striped suit to make you think of the good ole' days. The days when Senators were openly racists and loved to kiss on babies.

listening to people talk about their past relationships, recently, I have started thinking about my own. I see now, more than ever, the things I did wrong, the friendships and relationships that I have ruined. I've burned bridges and walked over people. This makes me sad. It is said that there is no turning back, and yes there are some people that I will never be on good terms with ever again.

I wonder how much of it was me consciously or subconsciously sabotaging things. Like there in a part of me that can't tolerate a good thing, that I must have chaos whether I create it or it is naturally present. And if it is the case that I am causing these problems, how do I stop myself before it's too late. Like is there a stopping point where I just say, no. I think, i hope, that those days are behind me, but time will only tell.

So I was in Louisville over the weekend and met up with my good old reliable friend Julie. We reminisced (isn't it sad that we are at an age to reminisce) and talked. The one thing we realized is that we don't post on Livejournal like we used to. I mean there were times back in the day, when I'd have three posts a day some weeks. So here is a post for your reading enjoyment.

So it is possible that I might be getting a job in Louisville. I'm rather torn about this, I've been in Lexington so long that I'm comfortable, yet I think Louisville is a better city. I would be close to family and friends, but it would be a major change. Sometimes I go there and it doesn't really feel like home anymore. I mean I still know all the streets and where most things are, but I see a lot of changes. There are new buildings and shopping centers and old ones are just distant memories.

So I dunno, I think I'll have something figured out my next week and then i'll go from there.


Sean

So I just noticed I have been continuously been blogging for somewhere around 6 years. That blows my mind. I was looking at old posts and it blew my mind how petty and how quick to anger I was. These post represent a low point of my maturity, but I guess that is the course of things. What scares me is that I've lost much of my idealism and passion for things. But I think this post will turn into another one of my whiny rants if I do not stop here.

So anyways, send me e-mails (tettrabyte@gmail.com) or letters( I can provide my address) cause I really don't have many phone minutes at the moment.

Smell ya later

Tettra

In the last few months I have been deep, deep in the dark. I've endured things that no one should have to. I've had to make serious choices that would fundamentally affect my life. I'm now back from the fog, but I find myself at the beginning starting over in everything. This is very frustrating as I know not where to go or what to do. I find myself repeating the same tasks everyday, because I have nothing else to do. I think things will get better, yet I know not when.


Tettra

well I haven't made a post on here in a while and it's not because nothing interesting hasn't happen in my while. there just is a lot of things i'm not comfortable sharing with people on here. a few of you are aware of what is going on in my life and there are lot of events that have occurred if you are in the know, with my life. at any rate, I think things are beginning to turn around for me. I basically got screwed at the beginning of the semester and have been trying to get my shit together financially. I am going to work my ass of this winter, probably take on another job and work as many hour as I can so I can have some extra money for some projects that I desperately need to finish.

I started cooking again lately. I cooked a yummy soup. I never use a recipe, unless i'm trying something new. so I bought a bunch of vegetables and some beef and threw it together. then today I decided to make some mini pies. I was making the pies as a test run for a later event. I think they came out well although I forgot how my mom made hers but figured out her secret after I finished backing mine. I have yet to taste mine cold, I dunno. They were good, but they had room for improvement. Also I was using a recipe; my mom does all her from head.

There is a lot more going in my life, and I'm not ready to let you into my world but those of you who know what is going on remind me to friend you with my other LJ and then you can see what else is going on.

Tettra

So this journal has served me for the past 5 or 6 years. It has served as an outlet for my feelings and fears for a long time, until recently. it served as a interaction with my friends for years and later a window into lost relationships and acted as a bit of nostalgia. So today I have officially decided to put this journal out of it's misery. I'm no longer going to actively update it. Today I have created a new journal,tettramental, which I encourage you all to add to your buddy list. However, this journal is going to serve a new role. As I was recently diagnosed as bipolar I have been struggling with some issues, and I have decided to start writing a journal on my manic depression and other issues.

Thanks for all the Memories


Tettrabyte

I don't really use this journal anymore, and I don't really talk to any of the people that I've friended to this journal. I'm sorry that our relationships have dwindled away, but that is the way of life. So a lot has happened to me in the last two months, I've had two separate stays at the Ridge Behavioral Center (mental hospital). First time was for depression so bad, I basically didn't want to live. The second time was for being manic, because apparently I am bipoloar, but it just manifested itself.

Anyways i've been having issues with depression over the years and never truly dealt with until recently. So my life has basically done a 360 in like three months. I've finally got things in order, but it is still a struggle, a hard one. Dealing with depression is like drowning. Sometimes you can float without trouble, other times you have to fight for you life to keep your head above water, other times you just sink like you have a weight chained to your leg. I dunno, I wish to god I had dealt with this a long time ago, but I am now and I feel a lot better about my life. I dunno, I have some other issues to deal with, that I don't really want to talk about on here, but things are getting better.

I've decided on a career, like really one that I'm enthused about and such. I'm going to be a therapist. I've already started looking at programs, and I get to start applying this fall. I can't wait. I really want to go somewhere out of state, but if I have to stay in State, I can deal. I've always had this need, desire to help people. And for forever I did so in a different manner than I am planning to do so now. It is my hope that I can help people without getting burned out at all. The weird thing is that ever since I decided to do this, I have become like more in tune with the concept, and kinda turn in to a therapist when I talk to some people. I dunno I have no education background, but I've been in and out of therapy for so long, that I kinda have a natural understanding of what people need and such.

So that's my crazy rant, maybe i'll try to write more and this summer, those of you who I haven't seen in like three years, we need to get together and hang.

Later

Tettra

The Biden-Bomblet

It had to happen sooner or later. It looks like it’s going to be, “sooner.”

Deep down, I knew that I wasn’t going to get away with simply a 19-month string of snarky observations about the trivial goings-on of a presidential campaign (although I promise to try to stick to THAT worthy agenda as much as possible). At some point, the gloves always come off and the candidates start to take some real swings at each other—sometimes in an inadvertent or backhanded manner. As Daniel mentioned, Senator Joe Biden got things going nicely this week, particularly with his comments about Senator Barack Obama. Just as well I suppose. With this historic campaign, it was unavoidable that the explosive issues of gender and race were going to enter the mix eventually. And quite frankly, I think it’s both healthy and necessary to have a national conversation on these issues before the electorate goes to the polls. Thank goodness for the new protracted campaign season that allows for plenty of time for the dialogue to occur. Whether he intended to or not, Biden has triggered that conversational tripwire.

Perhaps the largest purpose Biden’s comments (calling Obama, “articulate,” and, “clean,”), have served is to highlight the simmering debate within the African American community about what constitutes, “blackness.” Even before the events of this week, some authors and commentators were already discussing this issue. Debra Dickerson wrote an interesting article for Salon.com discussing some of the issues, claiming that, although Obama is black, he isn’t, “black,” in terms of the political and social reality. In the post-Biden-Bomblet, a New York Times piece has also discussed the issue. As if one needs more confirmation of this rift within the black community, I only point to Biden’s, PR apology tour. First he apologized to Obama—the subject of his comments—and then he immediately sought to apologize to the Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton (the presumed leaders of the, “black,” African American community).

At this point I think it’s important to note that suspicion of, “outsiders,” (or concern over, “sell-outs”), isn’t unique to the African American community. The embracement of an, “Us vs. Them,” mentality is the hallmark of ALL ghettoized communities. This holds true for communities based on a particular political issue such as labor unions or a pro-life agenda, or even lifestyle interests such as the punk rock or Apple Computer sub-cultures. In some circles of the sub-culture, there is a game of one-upsmanship to see who can out-sub-culture whom. The urge here is to preserve the group identity though selective screening and intimidation (or expulsion) of would-be, “traitors.” However, there is also the issue of critical mass and the desire to expand the appeal of the group through new recruitment and moderation. And thus, the age-old debate of, “shore up the base vs. reach out to others,” is born.

Which brings us back to Obama’s current situation with the black community. Prior to the Biden-Bomb let, the prevailing storyline was that Obama did not necessarily have a lock on the African American vote for the Democratic primary season—at least not at this point. Maybe the hesitation was based on a principled suspicion on behalf of the grassroots African American political community. Maybe it was a blatant power play by the good Revs. Jackson and Sharpton to ensure their own political relevance as minor kingmakers. Regardless of the motivation, it was clear that Obama at some point was going to have to pull a tricky, ”reverse Sister Souljah,” moment to fully solidify official backing from the majority of black political activist leaders. Even after the Biden-Bomblet, the aforementioned New York Times article suggested that the Biden’s comments may have hurt Obama by reminding some African American voters of Obama’s appeal to white voters. In the same article, it’s mentioned that Hillary Clinton currently enjoys a 40-point margin over Obama, which suggests to me that appealing to white voters isn’t necessarily a death-knell for candidates seeking support within the black community. Indeed, in the 2004 South Carolina primary, both John Edwards and John Kerry trounced Al Sharpton amongst African American voters. Of course, black voters could always try to hold a double standard by punishing black candidates that appeal to white voters. But if this were to happen, then it would be utterly impossible to ever elect a black man president with the endorsement of the black community since appealing to white voters is absolutely necessary to win an office higher than highly gerrymandered congressional districts.

Which is why I think that the Biden-Bomblet is actually going to help Obama rather than hurt him. Yes, the Godfathers of African American political clout engage in brinksmanship. But they are not crazy. At some point, they are going to want to break the ultimate glass ceiling, and they understand that any black candidate to do it will necessarily appeal to the white community as well. Obama is a candidate whose positions are also entirely consistent with the civil rights and poverty agenda of the black community. The main reason Hillary has such high numbers in the black community currently is because of some warm & fuzzies left-over from the Bill Clinton Administration, not because of any true passion for Hillary Rodham Clinton. Furthermore, there is also the, “not in my house,” dynamic that Biden’s comments put into play. Yes, there might have been (and still is) some lingering concern about whether Obama is, “black enough,” for some in the African American community. But it isn’t Biden—or any other outsider’s—role to officially opine on the topic. It’s not unlike how a stranger might make a nasty comment about one of your family members. Nobody is allowed to disparage your family member—unless, of course, it’s a fellow family member. On Good Morning America, George Stephanopoulos agrees:

“You know, in an ironic way though, this may have helped Barack Obama. One of the big problems his advisors noted is that a lot of-- He was doing poorly among the African American community because a lot of them didn't know he was black. And this has given a lot of attention to that in these first opening days and it could be a silver lining for him."

In a very real way, Biden’s perceived assault on Obama is going to generate sympathy for Obama among African Americans who were reluctant to support him prior to the external threat that Biden provided. Maybe even to the point that he doesn’t necessarily need a the strong, “reverse Sister Souljah,” moment after-all. If Obama’s camp is smart, they will use this window of opportunity to help solidify commitments within the black community so he can start to chip-away at the lead currently enjoyed by Hillary Clinton.

posted by Larry LaVanway at 6:18 AM

I was recently asked why I don't update my journal anymore and I really didn't know what to say. I guess I just never thought about it. I dunno, I just don't really feel comfortable sharing my personal experiences with the world anymore. Or maybe I'm tired of trying to portray a persona that isn't really me.

I wonder how I lost control of it, how I lost control of my life. I have no clue what happened. It is like I'm always within reach of what it is that I want. But when I get close to grasping it, it moves further away. What is eluding me? Money ? Power? Relationships? No it is happiness.

I don't know when it. that I first noticed that I wasn't happy, but it goes back years. In the past few months I have been able to expound on the causes of this unhappiness. However, I have yet to figure out.

One thing I know for sure, for a marked man, I can't die. Trust me, I've tried. I am meant to be here for some reason. I just wish I knew what it was. I recently have become somewhat spiritual. I'm not saying I believe in God and I'm going to start going to church, but I feel that there is more to the universe. Some sort of cosmic power. Maybe Spinoza was right, there is one material and that material is god. I don't know sometimes, I think life would be easier if I could believe in God the Father almighty, and Jesus Christ.... but I can't at least not in the way that mother wishes that I would.

How do you end something like this, after pouring out your deepest innermost thoughts, do you just say TTYL or Catch you on the flip side. I dunno.

Tettra

So... yeah... I figured I'd post before they delete my livejournal or something. Haven't really dug the livejournal scene in along time. I'm also taking a hiatus from blog, so I can get school sorted through. Wow, yeah. Really don't know what to say here, I guess this is why I don't post to livejournal anymore.

So yeah, still alive... busy as hell. Check my facebook, or Tettrabyte.com in like 2 weeks.

Peace

Tettra

So I've been neglecting this journal, as i've been working on my official blog. Which I think is coming along nicely if I say so, I plan on adding a lot of features to it, before the summer is over. Anyways I figured I'd write something after reading about a post from a friend about how she thought people only write on their blogs when things are going badly. While I can understand why she would say such a thing, and I think it sucks what she is going through, I thought it would be nice to write a good positive post.

Lately things have been falling into place nicely, maybe a little too nicely. I'm pretty content with where I am right now in life and how things are going to work out in the future. I've got a really sweet internship going, which very well could land me a job after I graduate, or at least get me connect with people who could give me a job. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, college wise. I'm starting to look at Law schools and trying to decide whether I'm going to stay out a few years and do something like Teach for America or just go straight through and get my JD/MBA.

Getting ready to move in a few months, going to be living with one my best friends in the LEX, we get into so crazy shit for time to time, but he's a good guy, so shouldn't be any trouble. Not really concerned about relationships, and I honestly don't feel bad about that at all, there are a couple people I could probably have at the drop of hat, but I'd rather just stay single and enjoy it ( and a wallet full of cash ;) )

I'm looking forward to the fall semester, cause I get to take Philosophy classes again, haven't had one since last fall because of my internship. It really sucks that they only teach upper level philosophy on Tues/Thurs here at UK. It really makes it hard to make a good schedule, but I think I have one worked out. It's really scary how close I'll be to finishing up my majors after this fall. I dunno, I guess it has just kicked in that the end is near.

Anyways, I guess I'll turn in for now, talk to you all later.

Tettra

I'd be curious to the number of times i've used that mood. One day I'm going to sit down and tally the moods. Maybe everyone should do that and we can see what state of mind you generally are in and which years were better or worse.

Somedays it scares me how Lucid I can be in regards to matters of philosophy. I just wish I could distill more of this into my everyday life. I fear even more that my resolve is growing weak, beyond the point of return. This society frightens me and I don't seeing it getting in better. Where is my place in this world? If you've every listened to the Marvin Gaye Song Save The Children then you know what I mean. Although, I'm not sure it is worth saving the world for the children.

I've really been on a kick with collective consciousness and Memes. I just worry that the power and effect of these social structures is what is going to destroy this society. but I think I'll save this tangent for another day and time.

Tettra

Open your music player (Limewire, Ares, Kazaa, iTunes, whatever) and put it on shuffle. For each category, hit next .. and put the first song that starts playing! Don't cheat, it's actually kind of weird!

Opening credits: The Arcade Fire - Goodnight Boy

Waking up:Björk - All Is Full Of Love - Greatest Hits

Average day: Queen - You're My Best Friend - Greatest Hits

First date: Alien Ant Farm - Summer - ANThology

Falling in love: Coheed And Cambria - The Ring In Return - In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth: 3

Fight scene: Irma Thomas - Don't Mess with My Man - Saturday Night Fish Fry - New Orleans Funk & Soul

Breaking up: Mirah - Million Miles - You Think It's Like This But...

Getting back together: Piebald - Karate Chops For Everyone But Us - We Are The Only Friends We Have

Secret love: Cowboy Bebop - Tank ! - Cowboy Bebop OST

Life's okay: Vandermark 5 - Long Term Fool - Airports For Light

Mental breakdown: Ross Hammond Trio - Optimism - Optimism

Driving: Jamiroquai - Hooked Up - Emergency On Planet Earth

Learning a lesson: Norah Jones - Nightingale - Come Away With Me

Deep thought: Jamiroquai - Sunny

Flashback: Sufjan Stevens - Sleeping Bear, Sault Saint Marie - Michigan

Partying: Common - Ferris Wheel - Electric Circus

Happy dance: Astrud Gilberto - Meu Pião - 1977 The Girl from Ipanema

Regretting: Eminem - Brain Damage - The Slim Shady LP

Long night alone: Volcano, I'm Still Excited!! - Two Exclamation Points - Volcano, I'm Still Excited!!

Death scene: The Beatles - You've Got To Hide Your Love Away - Help!