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A couple things i've noticed
One thing I know is that i need to get a new cat, I have had one for almost 10 years and I miss that sort of companionship. And I don't mean that i'm lonely, but i've always been a cat person. There is a baby picture of me riding on the back of my dad's Siamese. So I definitely have always had good bonds with cats.

I feel like I'm ready for a good serious relationship, like something that lasts the distance. I wouldn't mind being in such a relationship, however I don't if the other person can take me. I'm certainly not the easiest person to get along with. My therapist has had me keep a log on my mood, and i'm starting to see how I cycle, it's kind of creepy. Hopefully, some changes in my medication will help stabilize these moods.

I don't know if i've talked about this lately, but i've been pleasantly surprised about how mellow I am compared to how I used to be. Especially in comparison to a friend who is 3 years younger than me. I'm not sure if that is a personality difference or maturity difference. I don't know but it's like more of a zen thing. I see things happening that may not be going the way I think they are going, but I don't react anymore. Often times things are fine, even if they aren't done my way, so I see no point to intervene.

Hope all is well with everyone, LJ has been a little quiet lately.

I get fits of nostalgia, every few weeks. I miss the old days, I found pictures of a night of DDR at my house. Those days were so simple, everything seem so well planned and positive. The thing I find so funny is how your perspective in life can change so dramatically over the course of a few years. I can see how arrogant I used to be and self-righteous. Especially hanging out with someone a few years younger than me, I can see how I used to be like that, but somehow have moved past it. I don't know if it was the experiences I've had in the last few years or if I have just matured, but I feel like I'm more at peace with the world. Definitely less eager and impatient. I dunno.

Knowledge is power
So I recently had a therapists appointment and I learn a lot of good information. I really like this therapist, she is really what I need right now. The thing I'm realized the most between her information and my own personal realizations is, that I cycle. I don't cycle manic and depressed. I cycle hypomanic and depressed. What this means is that I don't get into a state where I have to go to the hospital when I'm up. However, hypomania can cause a false sense of wellness, at least for me. While I'm in control of my faculties, I'm very likely to crash. As result I go up and down over the course of 4 to 6 months. What makes things worse is that certain triggers, like stress, can cause me to cycle faster and never up.

What concerns me most about this information, is my history. I can look back and chronicle events of the past and I can clearly see what moods I was in when certain things happened in my life. It's very creepy to know that, the successes and failures in your life might be closely tied to the amount of Serotonin in my brain.

I dunno, anymore. All I can do is move forward with my life, my treatment. I know things are better now, I just hope they stay better.


To boldy go...
I saw the new Star Trek and I have to say it is a fucking awesome movie. I was apprehensive at first, but then I just allowed it to exist on it's own, without looking for all of the old cannon to pervade. This film is very funny, sentimental, and action packed. It's full of twists that Gene Roddenberry would never have dreamed and it made this relaunch better. I love how utilitarian the ship seemed, resembling a submarine or air craft carrier. Anyways, this would be a great film if you never were big into Star Trek.

yesterday I went to a strip club for the first time and I'm not going to say didn't have a good time, but I kinda didn't have a good time. Like there was something odd about the whole experience, the fakeness really bothered me and the manipulation. The strippers are all about getting as much money out of you as possible. The worse ones you could tell don't care about you and the best ones made you feel like they were interested, but in the back of my head I knew they were just doing their job.

So as I said on Facebook, I has Jobz. I'm going to be working for ACS, doing iPhone technical service. That's going to be cool, I saw the call center already, it's all iMacs and new.

There are good days and then...
Every now and then I come to great realizations about myself. I guess you would say it's an epiphany, however I don't think the lessons I learn improve my life. I've known that I've been bipolar for something like 3 years, but I don't always realize the effects it has on my day to day life. There are days when I'm very productive and hopeful. Other days are very hard. Time goes by slowly, it becomes very difficult to complete even menial tasks.

This happens very gradually happens, I never know what is going on until I'm past the threshold. I notice the warning signs or positive effects, but it's hard to stay in one place long. Even with the various medications, i've been off and on, things are rarely constant.

It is my hope that more information, and a better treatment plan, I can minimize these swings or even eliminate them.

Snarlin' Arlen
So I just realized something about Arlen Specter; He is one of the last Senators with unique dialects. He is joined by Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Ted Kennedy and maybe Orin Hatch. I remember like 10 years ago when you had Trent Lott, Fritz Hollings, and others. Now the Sentate and probably the House all have midwesternish sounding voices. It's kinda sad, I'm wondering when they will stop celebrating Seersucker suit day in the Senate. There is nothing than wearing an antiquated and ugly, blue striped suit to make you think of the good ole' days. The days when Senators were openly racists and loved to kiss on babies.

Looking back... Looking Forward
listening to people talk about their past relationships, recently, I have started thinking about my own. I see now, more than ever, the things I did wrong, the friendships and relationships that I have ruined. I've burned bridges and walked over people. This makes me sad. It is said that there is no turning back, and yes there are some people that I will never be on good terms with ever again.

I wonder how much of it was me consciously or subconsciously sabotaging things. Like there in a part of me that can't tolerate a good thing, that I must have chaos whether I create it or it is naturally present. And if it is the case that I am causing these problems, how do I stop myself before it's too late. Like is there a stopping point where I just say, no. I think, i hope, that those days are behind me, but time will only tell.

let's get this going again
So I was in Louisville over the weekend and met up with my good old reliable friend Julie. We reminisced (isn't it sad that we are at an age to reminisce) and talked. The one thing we realized is that we don't post on Livejournal like we used to. I mean there were times back in the day, when I'd have three posts a day some weeks. So here is a post for your reading enjoyment.

So it is possible that I might be getting a job in Louisville. I'm rather torn about this, I've been in Lexington so long that I'm comfortable, yet I think Louisville is a better city. I would be close to family and friends, but it would be a major change. Sometimes I go there and it doesn't really feel like home anymore. I mean I still know all the streets and where most things are, but I see a lot of changes. There are new buildings and shopping centers and old ones are just distant memories.

So I dunno, I think I'll have something figured out my next week and then i'll go from there.


Here's to like 6 years
So I just noticed I have been continuously been blogging for somewhere around 6 years. That blows my mind. I was looking at old posts and it blew my mind how petty and how quick to anger I was. These post represent a low point of my maturity, but I guess that is the course of things. What scares me is that I've lost much of my idealism and passion for things. But I think this post will turn into another one of my whiny rants if I do not stop here.

So anyways, send me e-mails (tettrabyte@gmail.com) or letters( I can provide my address) cause I really don't have many phone minutes at the moment.

Smell ya later


Where to start
In the last few months I have been deep, deep in the dark. I've endured things that no one should have to. I've had to make serious choices that would fundamentally affect my life. I'm now back from the fog, but I find myself at the beginning starting over in everything. This is very frustrating as I know not where to go or what to do. I find myself repeating the same tasks everyday, because I have nothing else to do. I think things will get better, yet I know not when.